Last Sunday, we hosted a holiday potluck. This has become a tradition of sorts, (see Easter Potluck Post) a collection of old friends and new friends, and piles of food. Our friend from Le Chef’s Blog smoked his own bacon (seriously, who does that?) and baked it into a deep pan of indulgent macaroni and cheese. One friend brought an incredible Arabic savory cheesecake that her mother had made, 2000 miles away. There were the obligatory dips, tortilla soup from an actual Texan, caviar from Russian friends, and a prosciutto-stuffed pork tenderloin. There was also Four Loko, the recently banned caffeinated malt beverage that is reeking havoc on college campuses. (While I did not sample this canned rebel beverage, I do support the ban based on the effect the beverage has on men in their thirties.)

After the party, I watched him collect the abandoned wine glasses, and consolidate the remaining ounces of red wine into one glass. He wiped off the rim of the glass with a paper-towel to remove our friend’s germs, and then proceeded to drink the leftovers. He justified this class act by the conservative defense “so he wouldn’t have to open yet another bottle”.

This was when I realized that my writing vacation needed to end. It is my duty to share party tips like this clever move with the millions of Edible Humor readers. People are out there contemplating holiday entertaining conundrums like:

Q: Should I serve Four Loko at my party?

A: The answer is yes. It will soon be illegal in New York, so carpe diem. Loko is so Holiday 2010.

Q: Is it safe to leave something like brussel sprouts au gratin in the broiler to achieve the coveted lightly toasted topping?

A: The Panko crumbs will go up in 3-inch flames faster than the obligatory pre-Thanksgiving dinner prayer, requiring a good pair of lungs to deliver a gusty blow. If fire is extinguished in a timely manner, you can peel the top layer of blackened crumbs off, to reveal the perfect toasty light brown level originally intended. This is not however part of the actual recipe for some queer reason.

Q: What does a funny gentleman from the South bring to holiday potlucks?

A: Sausage and Cheese Balls, naturally. My comedian friend Syd (who doubles as Clarence) brought these over yesterday. Stand by for the secret recipe. They’re like dog treats for humans.

Q: Someone just drank a Four Loko, smashed the can on his forehead and threw the crunched aluminum remains down the hallway, while two guys in plaid bow-ties watched and laughed. Is this normal?

A: Four Loko is not intended for men in their 30s, because it makes them act like 18-year olds. This is a very dangerous side effect.

Q: If someone is spending the holidays with their significant other for the first time, is it recommended to apply several fake tattoos, wear ripped fishnets and a few spritzes of Electric Youth, and start sentences with “Once when I was pregnant” or “Speaking of 9/11″ or “Once after my mom and I pounded a Four Loko” or “Christmas Eve on Rikers’s is actually quite special” or “these are better than the cheddar biscuits at Red Lobster!” et cetera?

A: While this is a very tempting idea to “punk” your significant other while making a first impression on his entire extended family, this is a very delicate conundrum. Perhaps I will test the theory and report back.

For your questions regarding holiday entertaining, please submit via the contact tab above. My mother is exempt from this privilege.

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2 Responses to “Holiday Conundrums Faced By Millions of Readers. Millions.”

  1. Cross Country Lungs says:

    This reader is thrilled that you have ended your writing vacation. Regarding the flaming brussel sprouts, having had this exact experience, and being the one who supplied the gusty blow I would caution the “average” reader to take the flaming pan outside right away and skip the “blow out” step. Luckily I inherited my grandmother’s lung capacity (she apparently set some sort of record in the early 1900′s, don’t ask me how) and have been an endurance athlete for more than four decades — hence my ability to blow out the flaming gratin. Still it took me three gusts to accomplish the deed!

  2. Kristin says:

    When I first moved down to Dallas those sausage balls were served at a party… It’s like crack! Love this post


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