Your mom didn’t invite her nail lady to Christmas dinner last year? Rude.

Your nail lady doesn’t give you Korean snacks? That’s weird.

Introducing Kelly, owner of Galleria Nail Salon, distinguished modern painter, and Korean matriarch extraordinaire. Her high-pitched voice is kind of like Glenda the Good Witch with a Korean accent, shouting my name when I walk in “Brooooooooooooke!” It’s like music to my ears.

Kelly is my source for all things Korean. She introduced me to flavored seaweed (which she’s holding), she calls me when her mother makes a fresh batch of kimchee, and has sparked a penchant for instant Korean noodles throughout my social circle.

The fact that I love Korean food and will try anything she puts in front of me basically blows her freaking mind. On several occasions (and not just the time she asked me to be a hand model), she has asserted:

“I am your Korean Mother, I am your American Mother, I am your Jewish Mother!”

So my point is, get on board. Head to your local Asian market, and pick up some seaweed, kimchee and Nongshim brand Shin Ramyun noodle soup. (Trust me, it’s not like that crap you ate in college while saving up cash for Cancun.)

Nong Shim Noodle Soup...extreme spice alert.

Snack on the seaweed solo, or make a little burrito with rice and kimchee. Shin Ramyun noodle soup is spicy, dynamic and delicious. (And cheap, perfect if you’re saving up cash for Buenos Aires.) In general, Asia tends to struggle with the Western concept of patent laws.  Achieve passive revenge by inviting guests over for this instant noodle soup “souped up” with tofu, kimchee, mushrooms, bamboo shoots, bok choy, edamame beans…whatever. Just don’t add any more heat…it’s spicy enough, and too spicy for nerds/wimps.

In closing, this post is dedicated to my favorite Korean lady. If you’re a New Yorker, please hit up her business to get those gross feet prepped for summer. Tell her I sent you, and apply peer pressure for my ultimate Korean wish:

This is an official plea to Kelly, my Korean mother…take me to Grandma. For years I’ve been begging to meet this lady and get an authentic cooking lesson. Let me at that lady! I’m already picturing us drinking tea in your Flushing apartment, sampling kimchee and making bibimbop.  Ripe material for Edible Humor’s upcoming video series…

Side Note: Kelly used to always try to set me up with her other male clients, which grossed me out conceptually. Low and behold, one of her favorite new customers is Dr. What’s His Name, who occasionally patronizes her establishment to buff up his claws before a big day spent outside the Latex. (Gloves. Latex gloves. Scrape up your mind from the gutter!)